The Lives We Take And The Souls We Lose
by ButterflysHurricane
Summary: My take on what if Heero had actually killed Relena at the port. Swaring and some details of death.


Disclaimer: I own nothing. I have nothing to my name. What is the possibility that I own Mobile Suit Gundam Wing?  
  
Paring: none  
  
Warning: Language (I had someone refuse to workshop one of my own stories in uni because it had swearing in it. Well, I did mention C**T seven times...), details of death, AU-ish, major angst  
  
Authors Notes: I lied, I wrote about death again. This came out of nowhere and is a bit fucked up. I guess I was thinking about what-ifs and how the story would change if Heero followed through on his "Omea o Korosu"'s? Who would be around to save his soul?  
  
C&C welcome – crystal_phoenix_7@hotmail.com  
  
The lives we take and the souls we lose  
  
By T. R Phoenix  
  
~~Begin Transmission~~  
  
I am a killer. I have killed so many. It is all I have known and all that I am capable of doing. I was trained this way from a young age by various people. A puppet, used by others for their own purpose. Like most soldiers of war, I am only used as a puppet by men of power and a cause that may or may not have meaning. I do not believe in anything. Never have. Why should I? I am but a soldier. The Perfect Soldier. The perfect war machine. No thought of my own. A single mission in life. A death wish. No emotions.  
  
Odin Lowe was the first to sink his teeth into me. I did not see it then, but looking back I can now see that he was no father figure to me. He taught me how to use a gun. He taught me how to use a bazooka. What kind of scum does that? Teaches a kid how to set bombs and assassinate before said kid can barely read? He died, telling me to follow my emotions. I did try to live that way, till I came across an elderly man sat on the ground, leaning against a wall.  
  
Dr. J. Another sicko. A man who trains all emotions out of a small child. If I were to ever feel or show a hint of emotion, then it would be drilled out of me in an instant. Teach the kid to be nothing more than a killing machine, then send him to Earth in the most powerful weapon known to man. All in the name of peace?  
  
When the fuck I ever been taught about peace? Sure it is what I fight for, but I fight for it. Nothing peaceful about that! Fuck knows what this was all about. All these sides wanting peace, yet they all wanted different kinds of peace. And all obtained in a brutal way, not like the real Heero Yuy preached. Total Pacifism. Also the destroyed Sanq Kingdom had preached it, but both had fallen to war. What did that say about that ideal? Last seen thirteen years ago.  
  
Until Vice-Foreign Minister Darlian. He preached about disarmament of all forces, until I killed his daughter.  
  
She was the third person I had killed since coming to Earth. She some how followed me to the docks and saw me. I knew she would be a liability. She had to be silenced, to stop her from revealing who I am and what I was doing on Earth. Relena, if I remember her introduction correctly. So I turned and shot her. Twice. And I continued on until that guy showed up. Relena's body was still warm when he turned up. He looked from the body to me and asked why.  
  
"She was a threat."  
  
"Jesus Christ! How the hell is a girl a threat? What was she going to do, talk you to death over Barbie's? Shit man, that's fucked."  
  
It did not bother me then. I gave it no second thought. Second thoughts lead to questioning and questioning to doubt. That was something that I did not need. In war, you should not think about what happens, or you get consumed with guilt. I do not feel these things. Well, I did not at the time. What would have happened if I had not shot her? She was young. I now question how she was a threat. I must have had an opinion, a justification. If so, why can I not think of it now? That image. Her lifeless body, lying in a pool of drying dark blood. I could see the bullet holes in her back. I did not flinch back then, but now I cannot close my eyes without seeing her motionless body in front of me.  
  
She was not the only one I killed. Sure there were soldiers, but they do not make me feel guilty. No, Shinigami was the next.  
  
He was the guy at the dock, who tried to raise my Gundam, but I stopped that. We met a few times, but we never exchanged friendly words. Guess he was still sickened by the death of that girl. He called himself Shinigami. He had another name, but at the time all he told me was he was the God of Death and left it at that. It was later when I found out his name. Duo something. I cannot remember completely. I was half listening.  
  
He was captured while going back to space with Quatre and Wufei. They were to execute him anyway, why not kill him myself and save the propaganda ploy that OZ were planning. He closed his eyes just before I killed him. He called me a bastard and hoped that the blood I shed stains my soul.  
  
I never gave those words much thought, but now I realise that his words have come true. I am stained with blood. I am also stained with Trowa and Quatre's. The whole Wing Zero episode was sickening. Even I knew that then. I admired Trowa. Sacrificing himself for Quatre. And in the last minute that Quatre was alive, I was certain he called out for Trowa.  
  
I have killed so many. I even helped destroy the Earth, and with it, the Sanq kingdom which had been consolidated by the lost son. That was a new beginning for Total  
  
Pacifism, but the White Fang saw to the Earth's destruction. I should have stopped them, but I ended up fighting every side. I was my own side, enemy to all.  
  
Hindsight shows me that I should have saved the Earth, but Wing Zero told me differently. Now, I sit here, telling you this. The Earth merely dust, the White Fang warring with the Barton Foundation. To think, these guys once worked together for Heero Yuy, not fighting for control of the colonies. I am adrift in space, looking at the moon, mourning those that I have killed. No one needs me, I am a soldier, and while there still are those that fight, I have no direction and no orders.  
  
When I was training, I met a young girl whom I later killed as I took out an Alliance building. She ran through my dreamscape each night with her dog. She turned to ask if I was lost, then gave me a flower. Now when she runs past, she does not even look at me. Instead she runs to join the others. She used to symbolise my fight, my lost youth. I never redeemed myself for what I did. Now, those who I killed symbolise that for me. The blond girl at the beach, the guy with the braid, Trowa and Quatre, the lovers. Wufei, who's Gundam, now drifts in peaces in front of me as an agent of Marimeia, all run through my subconscious, free. I though they would despise me, but they beckon me to join them. Reborn as a new person, a way of repenting in another life.  
  
I never though I would ever question who I am, but I have and I hate it, so I shall join them, I'll get rid of the final Gundam and start again. Let my last moments be a warning to all.  
  
Follow your emotions, never the path of war no matter how righteous you think you are. You too can be reborn in the ashes of this destruction.  
  
My name is Heero Yuy. This is my death.  
  
~~End Transmission~~  
  
After note: Ok. I'm not a big Relena fan, but I do believe her death would have fucked it up totally. I'm defiantly in the 1x2x1/Yaoi camp but I'm on the Relena- Friendly side. Kinda. I'm not sure. She had such potential to be a strong female character, but as with most Anime women, she just didn't cut it. Now Sally Po is a woman I admire greatly. Ok, Stop ranting now. 


End file.
